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The last photo I have of all of us. 5/12/22 

On June 3, TJ died. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know it until 2:30 AM on June 4. So for me, June 4 will always be the day that he died. 

Since he passed away, a lot of people have reached out to tell me that they feel they have gotten to know him better through my Facebook posts… or that, while they had never met him, they felt like they knew him better after reading them or even through his obituary. 

 I have thought about this a lot the last couple of months: when your kids are little, you can easily share tons of pictures and stories online about them.  They don’t care what you share when they are infants & toddlers. But as they grow older, they don’t want you talking about them on Facebook, or posting pictures of them on social media. Even as adults ourselves, we can be very picky about the pictures or stories we want shared, so how can we blame them? 

 When our children are little, there are support groups for moms to talk about sleeping issues, dietary issues, discipline and behavior problems they may be having with their children. The sad thing is, that as they get older, that support system dwindles away. Sometimes problems develop that you feel you can’t share publicly, or maybe you don’t want to share publicly,  in order to protect your child. Or maybe it's just to protect yourself so as not to be judged as a parent. For whatever reason, you begin to share less and less about your older kids. You're much less likely to reach out to other people for advice about your teenagers. It can feel very lonely. 

 Regardless of the reasons why, I didn’t share as much about my kids as they grew older, especially TJ, who was a fairly private person. I see this happening now with Sam as I look back and see so many baby stories and photos of him on Facebook years ago, only to watch them dwindle away as time progressed. You begin to share less and less.  I didn’t join Facebook till 2009. By then, Hope was 14 and TJ was 11. Sam was just turning four. All of the cute, funny, little kid stories began to disappear for the older two, and as that happened, many of you began to know less about them.

 As I was looking for a specific photo of TJ last week, I remembered that it was likely still in the blog I kept years ago but had stopped when I went through my divorce. The blog mostly held stories about Sam, because... babies don't care what you share about them. Hope and TJ were already getting older and their privacy became more important, so I didn't always share as much.

 I began a trip down memory lane as I started to read the stories I had written. Many I had completely forgotten about, had I not saved them in the blog. Some made me chuckle. Others made me cry. I regret that I stopped writing as there is now a whole chunk of time missing. 

 As time keeps marching forward from June 4, I feel some of my memories from that day, and the ones that followed, beginning to fade. I don't want to forget anything more. Because Facebook isn't the best way to record these things, I've decided to resume my blog. Many of you have said you enjoy hearing the stories about TJ and learning more about him, I am opening it up for you to read as well. I will post on Facebook when new entries are up.

 I'm writing this blog first and foremost for myself, but also for Hope and Sam, and maybe someday... their children...so that they will know who TJ was and who their parents were before they came along.  I am  also writing it so they wil always know how very proud I am of them and how very much I loved them. I will continue to keep their privacy in mind as I do.

Writing has been my best form of therapy the last few months. And for me, it will be therapeutic to continue this. I do not expect that anyone else would be interested in reading it, but you are welcome to take that trip down memory lane with us if you choose.  I have left the original stories that I wrote in place. If  you do decide to follow along, I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did. I will leave comments open for now, so feel free to leave one if so inclined.